Friends, I am in a totally crazy stage of life right now.
For those of you who are new to the party, I started a graduate SLP program in August. I just finished the first eight week chunk, and I can say with absolute certainty that I have never felt so exhausted in my entire life–newborn stage included. The last eight weeks have kicked my rear in ways I never thought it would be kicked, and yet, has been worth every stress-filled minute. My classmates are beyond great, the staff is great, and the classes have been (mostly) great.
But the fact that grad school is worth it doesn’t change the fact that I’m now away from my kids way more than I previously was, and that has been beyond hard. It’s been hard to know that they’re at home with someone else–even if that someone else is my mom/husband. There have been a lot of days where I’ve gotten to school and just had this feeling that I was in the wrong place, and I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away–I would imagine it probably won’t. But whether it does or doesn’t, this is how things have to be right now–and that doesn’t come without challenges. Needless to say I am not Scarlett’s go-to human lately (I think because I’ve been gone so much), and that has been hard on my heart. In the past, there has been no other person she’s wanted more than me (with my mom being a close second).
Lately though, she hasn’t wanted me anywhere near her. Most of the time nowadays, if I even look at her, she cringes and runs away to daddy. He’s loving it, of course, but I don’t like it one bit. I’m not so dumb to think she doesn’t love me, but it’s a sad thing to go from #1 to someone she doesn’t even want to look in her direction.
Needless to say, I’ve been pretty bummed out about that. Combined with a stressful Friday (lookin’ at you, Susca final), I was in desperate need of something awesome this weekend.
Allow me preface this story with this: S says EVERYONE’S name except mine. Dada, Bapa, Dysen, Blade–everyone. And I know she knows how to say mama, she’s said it for quite some time–but she’s never said it to me.
Now. On Saturday some friends came down to visit from San Jose, so my mom had me stop at the store to pick up a few things for dinner. As I was standing in line with the girls (Jaxon was already at my parents’), Scarlett looked straight into my eyes and said, “Mama”! So, she said my name to me for the very first time at 2 years, 6 months, and 5 days in the middle of the Pioneer Market grocery store checkout line. I think the girl scanning groceries thought I was completely insane as I was basically squeezing my child half to death while crying, but no shame. She said exactly what I needed to hear it at exactly the time I needed it.
Obviously I was thrilled that she said my name, but I also had no idea when the next time I’ll hear it will be. That’s a little sad, but it’s way less sad than never hearing your child say “mama”!
I spent all night wondering if this was the point at which she’d start consistently saying mama. I am SO ready. As we’re sitting in church today, she apparently wanted something out of the toy bag, so she hits me and yelled, “Mommy!” to get my attention. Friends, it was the cutest little grouchy thing I have ever heard in my life, and I didn’t even care that she hit me to do it. I’ll put the kibosh on that eventually, but for today, it didn’t matter to me one bit.
This evening she’s back to calling me “Dada”, but that’s okay–I know it’ll come eventually. I am just so thankful for my girl and the fact that I’m finally hearing Mama–even if it is a year and a half overdue.